Can't and Won't

Call it semantics, but it's a big deal around here. We were raised by a man that knew his grammar. I can't tell you the number of times my Dad corrected any of us, including my mom, about the correct use of can & may, can't & won't, who & whom. He would even correct random folks (which I'm sure really made their day) And now I hear my sister drumming it into my nieces all the time "Mom, can I have that?" - her response "Sure you can, but may you?" Dad would be so proud.

But even I do it. For instance, today - as I was arguing with Scott- he said I can't change my own oil or mow the lawn. I said it's not that I can't, it's that I won't - not when there are perfectly trained individuals that can do it for me and save me time and messing up a manicure. That's simple right? But somehow he has trouble with it, somehow he figures because I won't I can't - this from a man who hasn't bought his own underwear in 17 years (I think he literally can not buy his own clothes any more).

And as annoying as I find it to be the only one shopping for my husband's clothing, that really isn't the problem I have (well, maybe it's not a problem yet, but it's got all the markings of one). At yesterday's appointment with the oncologist we were told that my mom is technically "cured" as far as the breast cancer goes - the tumors have been removed and everything looks good, but (come one, you just knew there had to be a but right?) she still has a 40% chance of the cancer reoccurring in some way shape or form. The next step is to give her some sort of protein therapy that does some magical cancer disappearing act on this particular type of cancer and her risk of recurrence goes down another 15% to 25% - so yay that's good news. The number gets even better, down to an 18% (I recall the number being smaller, but my sister and mother think it was 18%, which is another reason why I thought it was a good idea to bring a tape recorder but was voted down, but I digress...) chance of recurrence if she does the recommended course of chemo.

So what's the problem you ask? The path is clear, mom should go the distance with chemo and the protein therapy and reduce her chances of recurrence as much as is possible right? Apparently not.

I just got a call from my sister asking what I think of mom not doing chemo - saying that she just didn't want mom to have to go through all the bad stuff for 7%. She said she just doesn't think mom can do it. And while I like to agree with all the quality of life issues, I find myself in this place where I simply can't bear to think of a 7% chance of losing my mom. So how do I tell my mother - my snarky, sarcastic, uppity, non-compliant, but I can't imagine the earth without her mother - that I simply can't and I won't allow her not to make that extra 7% happen?

Current Music: Restless - Alison Krauss & Union Station

Cancer for Dummies

Right, so I thought that I would be all witty by saying how "I wish there was a Cancer for Dummies book", turns out there is (and there's MORE than one). I guess now I'd thought to write this post and search Amazon before now.

This afternoon is mom's first appointment with the oncologist. Today we finally get some answers, or at least we hope so. Maybe if we'd bought "Breast Cancer for Dummies" we wouldn't be so in the dark right now. As of right now all we know is that she had two types of cancer, that she had to (and did have) a bilateral radical mastectomy, and that there was lymph node involvement. She was diagnosed in October and yet that's all we know.

She went slowly from mammogram to biopsy, biopsy to MRI, MRI to surgical consult, surgical consult to actual surgery. From there she had to take time to heal from surgery and then it would finally be time to see the oncologist. I know that I don't deal with cancer every day like these doctors do, but shouldn't there some sense of urgency? Some concern that this is cancer and could kill my last remaining parent (a thought that I am not really ready to tackle just yet)?

I'm trying to have faith that the doctors know what's going on and that we'll all get through this, but a few answers would be nice. Here's hoping that we have them later this afternoon.

Current Music: Goodbye Yellow Brick Road - Elton John

Happy New Year!

I've got to tell you, I'm exceptionally happy to see the back of 2009. It was not what I would consider to be a banner year. In fact, what's the opposite of banner year? Because, with a few exceptions, that's what it's been - an "unbanner year". Though, upon a little reflection, I think I could easily say that I'm glad to be rid of the whole damn decade. Sure there are some wonderful things that have happened in the last 10 years - my sister got married, my nieces were born, we bought our first house, etc. Some really great things to be sure, but then the really bad stuff seems to eclipse it all.

But since it's been a while since I've blogged, I suppose I should catch you all up... Should we go with the good news first or the bad news? I guess good news first - it's a shorter list and I hate to bum you all out too early.

- I joined a gym, and began training to run my first 5k - and now I'm about to run my third tomorrow.

- I started on anti-depressants which has helped to a certain degree, sadly it hasn't helped everything. But apparently they don't make a pill for that just yet.

- I got a two and a half week vacation to Cali, courtesy of my Mom and unemployment.

- Part of that vacation included a trip to LA and great girl's weekend with two of my three college roommates.

And now for the not so good news.

- I was able to take the vacation by getting laid off for two weeks, but when I returned to Michigan my bosses decided to make it more long term. So I've been out of work since the 22nd of September.

- Scott and I have been on the rocks, more than that - really it seems like the end, but neither one of us can figure out how to actually make it end.

- The two college roommates that I saw in September are both in the process of separation and possibly divorce as well.

- And the really big news, my Mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in October (sort of ironic to be diagnosed during National Breast Cancer Month, no?)

I will say that the silver lining of the unemployment is that it's made me available to come home and take care of my Mom. I've been in California since early December and it looks like I'll be here till the end of January at this point. Scott's none too thrilled with the situation, but it's my last parent so I'm going to do what ever needs to happen.

The not so silver lining of the unemployment is that it's made life so much more difficult - not from a monetary stand point (not that it's easy, but it's not horrible), but due to the fact that it gives me far too much time to get up in my head and stress out about all the other things going on in my life.

And of course there is the decided lack of jobs in my area - at this point I'm pondering returning to California just so I can work (well, at doing my job and not just taking a random job). Another thing that Scott's not too thrilled about, but I need to work - not only for the money, but for the mental and social aspects as well.

So, can you really blame me for being glad to get rid of 2009?

Anyway, the result of all this whining is that I'm going to make the resolution to blog more (yeah, I know you've heard it before, but I'm gonna try), to combat the psychological effects of all that bad news I've listed up there. I know deep down under all that crappy stuff I'm still there and missing writing.

Current Music: Cold Blooded Old Times - Smog

Routines

The topic of NaBloPoMo for July is Routine. And (as always) I'm not saying that I'm for sure gonna do it, but it's a cool topic. So it's tempting...

Especially given the fact that my routines are about to be blown all to hell for the next week. That's right, it's vacation time! I'm headed home to Cali, for a whole week, no holiday drama (just the regular kind) and Scott free, which means that I'll be able to see my friends with out hearing him sigh heavily (you know that exasperated "I can't believe that I have to endure this again, you're sooooo gonna owe me for this" kind of sigh).

My plans as of this moment are to see a whole lot of friends and a bit of family. In between all that, I'm hoping to spend some time in my old stomping grounds - walk around Noe Valley (stop at my favorite jewelry shop), head out to Livermore and maybe do a little wine tasting, drive along the coast and sit by the ocean.

That's a biggie, sitting by the ocean. I REALLY need to do that. When anyone around here says "beach" they mean the lake - and that's nice, it's sandy and there's nice water. But to me it's just not the same, it's not a "real" beach. I need waves and salt air - that's a beach. And I'm not even sure why I feel such a compelling need to do it, but I do. I can't wait to dig my toes into the sand, sit down and breathe.

As for all the other stuff, I know I'm trying to squeeze a lot in, but I just really feel this need to reconnect with my family, my friends and my home. Ever since I decided to go, I almost cry I'm so anxious to get home (which really is strange, since usually I sort of dread going home). I'm not sure I really get it, but hopefully once I get there things will get clearer.

And we'll see about NaBloPoMo.

Current Music: Daydreamer - Adele

Another Year Older and Deeper in Debt

Yep, it's that time of year again, well almost - my birthday is tomorrow.

Remember when birthdays were a magical day? There were presents, balloons, a cake with candles (maybe a pony if you were lucky). What happened to that, why do adult birthdays have to be just like any other day? It seems like once you get past those milestone birthdays of 16, 18 and 21 adult birthdays are pretty much just another reminder that you are getting older.

And this one is going to be particularly tough - this will be my very first birthday with out my Dad. I'd never really thought about it but there are only two people (well, one now) that have been part of my life for every one of my birthdays. Sure I have aunts and uncles, and my sister has been around just two years less - but it's just not the same.

Right now the thought of having a birthday tomorrow makes me want to crawl into bed and cry for days on end. All my friends have been super nice, calls and cards and birthday wishes - but the thought of tomorrow coming is absolutely devastating. I know Scott is worried, but I haven't told him what's going on in my head - I don't want to get into that with him right now.

I've decided to take tomorrow off - the day is already going to be miserable enough, I don't need to make it worse by going to work. But I really don't know what to do with myself. Should I go do something interesting, go to a museum an art gallery (do they even have those here?) or maybe I go to a mall and spend sometime window shopping (because even though I am about to be a year older I'm really doing my best to stay out of debt). Perhaps I'll go get a mani-pedi and get my hair done.

One way or the other, I think that I'll be spending it quietly. And part of the time will be alone, and that's ok.

Current Music: February Air - Lights

Welcome to Disneyland

I made it to LA. Got to Disney and totally surprised my nieces - it was great! Day one of the happiest place on earth done. Best news yet, it's 70 degrees and sunny - yay.

It's Been a While

"Forgive me Internet, for I have sinned - it's been a month since my last blog post."

I'm still here. I'd like to tell you that I've just been so busy with the holidays and things, but in reality (with the exception of making a billion holiday cards) I've been reading, watching a lot of tv and generally lazing about.

Since it's been a while I'll give you the highlights:

- Thanksgiving was good, fairly uneventful. But it was the beginning of a downward trend; the stress of buying presents, getting plane tickets to go home for Christmas, thinking about what Christmas would be like without my Dad there, etc.

- A tree almost fell on the house the other day. High winds took out a huge chunk of my favorite tree and missed the house by inches. It did manage to ruin a fair amount of the fence and part of the gutter - but nothing too serious. Happily it happened on the one "warm-ish" day last week so it wasn't too horrible to clean up (not that I did any of it, but I'd hate for the tree guys to freeze).

- I've been in California for the last 6 days, I've done little to nothing and yet barely had time to see friends. Though I can honestly say that I've already had my fill of family and am seriously looking forward to my flight back east.

- It has been grey, rainy and generally shitty weather 5 of the 6 days that I have been home. Apparently California didn't get the memo that I come here for the sun. Also, my Mother has decided that the house is warm enough at 55 degrees. I've been freezing cold for all 6 days - though I'm looking forward to a thaw tomorrow (I guess we turn on the heat for company).

- Since Hanukkah is so late this year, Scott and I are celebrating it here - which is strange, since it's always been our personal celebration, but good strange. My nieces have been learning all about Hanukkah and Kwanzaa at pre-school so they are really digging lighting the candles and playing dreidel, and I think Scott is enjoying sharing it all with them. I'm a bit jealous that it's no longer something that is only ours, but we're all having such a great time creating a new family tradition that I expect I'll get over it.

- Scott and I are on the verge, of what I don't know. But I know that neither of us are handling the stress of losing my Dad, the holidays or the problems of the economy very well. I expect we'll be fine if we can get through another couple of months, but it's making an already bad time even worse.

- Even on that verge of what ever it is, we are seriously starting to consider moving. I have no idea how we will pull it off financially, but if the economy in Michigan continues it's ride to hell in a hand basket then we're loading up the truck (again) and getting out of Dodge (no pun intended, but my Dad would be proud :-). I'm thinking Seattle or Portland, possibly Philly - my only requirements for me are a big city, near water and at least a 1-2 hour plane ride from my family.

- On the Dad front, I'm not really feeling Christmas. I didn't decorate the house, I barely bought any presents, and if my Mom hadn't made me come out to California I doubt that I would have left home.

This sort of sums it up nicely (well except for the warm and fuzzy ending):



And oddly enough, the Grinch was always one of my Dad's favorites, so maybe that's a good sign. I'm hoping for a better Christmas next year - but not holding my breath just yet.

I'm off to bed (it's the only warm spot in the house!) - so I say to you, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and/or Happy Kwanzaa!

Thankful

At first I couldn't think of what to be thankful for today - but then I read all of your comments. So thank you, one and all! Thank you for your advice and support and words of compassion. Once I got to that point, I realized that perhaps there are other things to be thankful for this Thanksgiving day...

I'm thankful that I had such a great dad, one that I can miss and love and be sad about. Wouldn't it be worse if I didn't, isn't it better to mourn all the funny, wonderful little things?

I'm thankful for the family that I have, while they are hurting too - they are loving and supportive. They're crazy and they are a pain in the ass too, but they're mine and that's a good thing.

I'm also thankful for the furry-four-legged members of my family, they have done a great job of keeping me somewhat sane. I put a lot of faith in the power of a purr and a wet puppy nose.

I'm thankful that we all are healthy and relatively happy (you know, except for the moments of crushing grief).

And I'm thankful that Scott and I will have a nice small dinner together tonight, just a quiet day to sit, eat and relax. No traveling across the country with millions of others, stuck in line waiting for some teen-age TSA agent to tell me what I can and can't bring on the plane (I'll save that excitement for Christmas).

As I really got to thinking I realized that there are a ton more that I could think of, but given the fact that they are all relatively shallow I'll leave the list here. And hope all of you have great things to be thankful for and wish you all a wonderful and safe holiday!

Current Music: In My Place - Cold Play

The Looking-Glass Room

"She was up on the chimney-piece while she said this, though she hardly knew how she had got there. And certainly the glass was beginning to melt away, just like a bright silvery mist...In another moment Alice was through the glass, and had jumped lightly down into the Looking-glass room...Then she began looking about, and noticed that what could be seen from the old room was quite common and uninteresting, but that all the rest was a different as possible."

Through the Looking Glass (And What Alice Found There)
Lewis Carroll

That's been my life since Monday - common, but as different as possible. One minute we're joking and laughing, the next crying inconsolably. The crying usually comes when I realize that he's gone, the laughing when we think of a good time or funny memory.

The hard moments are when I go to ask Dad about something, where does he keep the flags, or did he remember to tivo the new Grey's Anatomy? And then I realize that there's no one to ask.

The service was lovely - you should have seen how many people turned out - people he knew from work, people from his transplant team and support group, tons of friends and family. I can only hope to be that lucky when it's my turn.

We've taken care of all the mundane and horrible things that need to be done, the autopsy, the services, the cremation, the "final resting place". It's sort of like trying to put together a wedding in three days, only you can't concentrate because your brain isn't working right and you're crying all the time.

There is a bit of good news, if it can be considered good news, his transplant team decided to request an autopsy. His passing was not due to his transplant, the heart was as good as it could have been - it was a pulmonary embolism. So perhaps September 22 was the number no matter what. I guess the good news is that I can stop being mad at the transplant team now - and just go on being mad at the universe.

As much as I needed to see my family, hug my Mom, kiss my Nieces, cry with my Sister and Brother-in-Law and sit with my Uncles and Aunts - I now need to go home. I need to get back to my house, where the pain is less real and somehow softer. I need to get away from the bickering (I don't care if we order a vegetable platter for the wake), the decision making (I really don't care if my Dad is in a bronze box or a marble box - what I really want is to not have to put him in a box) and the tears of others. I need my time to grieve and see how truly deep the wound is and how, if it's possible, to heal it.

I'm pondering taking on NaBloPoMo for October, just as a way to keep my mind busy - but I haven't committed to it yet. In other odd/interesting news, my Mom wants us to take his car (both of ours are old and getting a bit out of shape - and she doesn't really want to deal with it), so we may be driving across country in a day or two. That's gonna be one wild ride!

And thank you all (my legion of devoted readers) for your kind thoughts. Friends make anything easier to bear.

Current Music: The Funeral - Band of Horses

The Number is Up

A while ago I wrote about my Dad's days being numbered - today his number came up. My Dad is gone.

I was about to walk out the door for work when my sister called. Now it's never a good thing if my sister is up at 6:30am (on so many levels), so I wasn't expecting anything good - but I wasn't expecting this. How do you prepare yourself for that?

He hadn't been feeling well for a while, he'd been light headed and short of breath and he went to the clinic (the special post-transplant clinic that took care of him) - but both times he went they said they couldn't figure out what the problem was and they sent him home. He was having problems, but we didn't expect this.

I'm trying to remember that these last two years, since his transplant have been borrowed time - just extra, special time. But mostly I'm just in shock and feeling incredibly lost.

We're headed home to California for a week to take care of my Mom. Thankfully my sister has done what she does best- she took charge of everything and most of the basic details are covered. I'll be gone for a bit, but I'll be back.

Current Music: Solitude - Billie Holiday

Is It Over Yet?

Is this "vacation" over? Is NaBloPoMo over? Are we done yet? 'Cause I am!

One more day of road trip to go - the good news is that it's the drive back home, the bad news is that it's the drive back home and I still have 4 days left to "visit" with my mom when we get back.

I guess the real good news is that I don't have to drive for nine hours and then go work in the restaurant. And the actual bad news is that I have to go back to work on Monday, and I expect that there will be all kinds of crap involved with that.

On the asshole husband front - I made him swear up and down that he would not blow his top about traffic or getting lost if he picked out the route. I picked out the route and when he started to get peeved because of a detour I reminded him of his promise and low and behold he actually kept his temper in check. I'm floored.

On the mother front - she almost passed out in Independence Hall due to heat stoke. Happily, she recovered, we checked out a few more things and then hi-tailed it out of Philly. Sadly, we did not get to be on the news or add to the amazing history of the place by having her pass out.

Only a few more days of blogging left too - hang in there, we're almost home!

There's No Place Like Home

There's a saying, "Home is where your Mom is." That means that as of now, my home is in California. And I will say that that's very true, even after four years I still feel that my home is out there. But if home is where your Mom is then, Michigan is going to be home for a bit - 'cause Mom's headed this way.

She's headed in for a week and a bit of vacation - we're doing a driving trip to Pennsylvania (you know doing the history thing) and then back home for a little visiting and then she leaves. Should be long and painful, with highlights of fun.

I jest, sort of. It should be fun. I've never been to Philly and I hear there are good cheese steaks and there's an old bell with a crack in it - good times. We're going to hit Hershey, PA on the way - just cause there's chocolate there. Then I'm not sure what, Gettysburg, Yorktown and on to Philly? We'll go where the toll road takes us...

So I guess this means that home is going to be in Pennsylvania for a bit too!

Current Music: Country Roads - Me First and the Gimmie Gimmies

Happy Birthday Pop!

Today is my Dad's 67th birthday - and I wish I could be celebrating it with him. Ever since his heart transplant I've felt like each Birthday, Christmas, or vacation is a blessing - but I worry that if I'm not there for this one, will there be another?

I know it's morbid, but due to the transplant and the rejection issues his days are numbered, we just don't know what the number is. I wonder if it's easier to know a more exact time frame or not.

Anyway - enough of all that... Today he is celebrating a birthday and that is a wonderful thing.

So happy birthday Pop, my world is a better place because of you.

Current Music: Beautiful Day - Bedouin SoundClash

I Love My Friends

I'm lucky, our good friends have a great family. That great family has taken us in - we love hanging out with them for holiday dinners, on the beach, girl's nights, weekend getaways. Of course we knew we liked them before we moved, but we didn't realize that they would be so very great over time.

But last night I was loving them for a different reason, M's brother in law is a chef - a serious kick-ass Chef. My Easter dinner included:

Salmon Mousse
Foie Gras
Duck Confit
Champagne
Braised Lamb
Mushroom Soup
Truffled Mashed Potatoes
Spanish Coffee

It was a long and spectacular dinner - but I still have the urge to have a good old-fashioned Easter ham, maybe this weekend?

Current Music: Flavor of the Weak - American Hi-Fi

I Miss Easter

Easter was always one of my favorite holidays. I suppose it still is in some ways, but now it's lacking a bit.

I used to love getting dressed up, including those shinny white patent leather shoes. We used to go to church with my Grandmother - it was the only time that we ever went to church, she always liked to show us off. Sometimes we would go to place Easter Lilies at my Great-Grandparent's crypt. Then we would go home, or to our Grandparent's apartment, or out to our Aunt and Uncle's (it varied by year) and we'd have an Easter egg hunt. We'd hunt for the eggs we had dyed the night before or the really bright plastic ones that were filled with candy (courtesy of our Grandmother) - and of course, the Easter basket itself! Usually the Easter Bunny filled our baskets with a giant chocolate bunny or maybe a See's Easter Egg, coloring books, little toys and some years a beautiful Sugar Egg with a spring scene inside.

Of course Easter hasn't been that way for a number of years, but it was an easy holiday. No gifts, no days worth of cooking or decorating. Basically, just a day to get together with family and eat dinner - something that didn't happen regularly once my sister and I grew up. It was always a good afternoon, good food and wine and company.

The Easter after my Grandmother died, there was no family dinner - and the year after that. As it turned out that it had been my Grandmother that kept us all together at Easter. We did finally get back to it, but it wasn't the same.

Since we've moved to Michigan, I've made Easter dinner for friends, been invited to friends, and made Easter dinner for just us - but it's not the same. Today we're going over to some friend's for dinner, but I miss seeing my family.

Two of my favorite bloggers have recently lost their Grandmothers (Leah over at More Ways to Waste Time and Ali Edwards a scrapbooking superstar). Maybe their loss got me thinking about my Grandmother, or maybe it was Easter, either way I miss them both.

Current Music: Hey Beautiful Day - Bedouin Soundclash

Well I'm No Diana Prince

I've been pondering writing a post about how I came to blogging, and how interesting it is that I have never told anyone that I have a blog.

I was listening to NPR (oh yeah, I'm one of those people) and the interviewee was talking about the fact that both she and her husband had blogs and that in many ways they now communicated better because of their blogs. He traveled and she stayed home and so they got to keep up on each other's days and nights. It sounded nice.

Add to that the fact that I've always liked the idea of a diary and you arrive at me blogging.

So what does Wonder Woman have to do with me and my blog? Well as I've said, I've never told anyone about my blog. It's been for me, well and you guys - but mostly for me. And it's not that I didn't want anyone to know, but I did decide not to use my real name (I know, totally shocked that Mandy Lou isn't my real name!) -in fact it's a name that most of my family and friends would not dare to call me! So in some ways I had a secret identity, just like Diana Prince - though I'm not sure if I'm a blogging Wonder Woman...

Anyway - as I was saying I've been planning to write this post for a while, but my secret identity was blown yesterday.

Some of you might be wondering why a new reader/commenter named Mer knew most of my favorite movies and didn't get any linky-love for her very correct answers. Well, she didn't get any love cause she doesn't have a blog and she knew the movies cause she's my sister!

So everyone, say hi to Mer!

Current Music: We Are Family - Sister Sledge

You Asked

Alright Lori, you asked and (finally) I'm answering. Not that it's a difficult answer, though on some levels it is, but I wanted to do it justice.

Lori asked me why I'm 35 (well it was the day before my b-day, so now I'm 36) and no kids. The answer is I don't know. I'm not being flippant, actually quite truthful.

When I was really young I always saw myself married, 2 kids, dog, white picket fence - you know the suburban Disney fantasy. Into high school and college I wanted to get a degree, go to New York City, work on Wall Street, be a career woman and make some money (I even had a poster that had a picture of a mansion and all these amazing cars and said "Justification for Higher Education") - I was a yuppie in the making.

Not long after that phase I met Scott, 10 years older than I was and yet about the same maturity level. Neither of us wanted kids, he wanted to sail around the world and I figured I'd fly to meet him where ever he landed (not a big sailor). We dated for a number of years, working, playing enjoying our lives. Then we got married and spent some more years working, play and enjoying.

The new year's eve before I turned 27 my alarm clock (that would be the biological one) went off. I told Scott and he was less than thrilled. We had never planned on kids and now I was reneging on the deal. It took a while, but he finally wrapped his brain around it and decided maybe it wasn't the worst idea (this also coincided with his best friends adopting their first child).

But it wasn't a good time, we were trying hard to get out of debt and figured that it wouldn't be the best time to have a kid. So I stayed on the pill and looked longingly at any cute little bundle in a stroller.

We managed to get our spending and debt under control, but moved into a very small apartment to make it work. So I stayed on the pill, we adopted another cat and I would go look at maternity clothes for no good reason.

Then we got another apartment, but I was working full time and going to school full time. So I stayed on the pill, we fought a lot and I stopped going to friends baby showers.

Finally we bought our house here in Michigan, great neighborhood, good schools, huge yard, and a fence for a dog (it's chain link, but you can't have it all). So I went off the pill!

At that point we still had somewhat decent health coverage, so we had the preliminary tests done, just to make sure that the basic plumbing was working, and it was - so we got started trying. And now we've been trying for almost two years.

Of course, at this point, we should go back to the doctor and get more tests done, but not long after we moved our budget went in the tank and we had to switch to the most basic health coverage - if I get hit by a bus I'm in great shape, but if I want to go to the doctor or have tests done I have to fork over cash I don't have. So needless to say, testing is on the back burner.

Every month I take my temp, pee on sticks, check all my fertility signs, have uninspired sex (Scott likes to call it "Science Sex" or "Booty Duty" - that one actually cracks me up), then wait, pee on some more sticks, get my period, cry a bit then have some wine and start the whole thing again.

In the end, I'm not so sure how sad I really am. I love kids, but I love my life as it is. I love that I get to sleep in (or sleep at all), I love that I can come home late and not worry how much extra I have to pay the sitter. My friends and relations with kids tell me honestly that it is hard work and frequently a complete pain in the ass. I've had women say how jealous they are that I get to sleep in on Sunday or not have anyone interrupt them in the bathroom. I also know that I get tired of scrapbooking my cats and dog and nieces - or not being able to chime into a conversation with a bunch of moms as they discuss kid things. I know I'm missing out on certain things in life, but it doesn't make my life experience any less (that took me a while to be able to say).

Scott is adopted, and our dearest friend's kids are both adopted, so we've talked about adoption, but our options are limited by both age and financial issues. You can be any age or financial bracket to have your own kids, but to adopt you've got to be "pre-approved".

So we'll keep at it for a bit more, then hang up the basal thermometer and go back to being a normal couple and I'll enjoy other people's babies and kids and learn to be ok with it all. Maybe we'll get some more cats, that could be the answer...

Current Music: Tears Dry On Their Own - Amy Winehouse

The Saga Continues

So much for "fixed by the end of the day". So much for $1200 for everything. So we're still in deep shit - and I'm not really speaking metaphorically.

By the time I got home last night (around 9:30 pm) the plumbers were still at it. Apparently once they replaced the pump - and added a few expensive do-hickies to it - they found that the water wasn't making it up to the street (which is the point of the pump). We went to bed with the tank empty, but without the pump working - so limited flushes, short showers, etc. - till they could return in the morning to continue everything. We also went to bed thinking that at best everything would be resolved with a little roto-router action, at worst we'd be looking at ripping up 300 feet of pipe to replace it. Needless to say neither of us got much sleep.

There is a bright-ish side to this... this morning the plumber called and said that he realized that the new pump didn't have the right pressure to get everything up to the street. So no roto-router, no new pipes but another new pump.

The less than bright side of things is that the next new pump won't be here till at least Tuesday. So we're back to limited flushes, short showers, no laundry, no dishes till Wednesday or later!!! And worse yet the tank can only hold so much so we're pumping everything into a small (but ultimately well fertilized) part of the yard - gross (as my friend suggested, we're doing a "cousin Eddie" - free pair of spiffy socks to the person that can name that movie :-)!

In other, less crappy news, my other nieces birthday and birthday party was today - she turned the big 2 today. Why two birthday parties in two days? Because my sister is dumb, that's why. But I'd probably do it for these cuties too!



Current Music: Here It Goes Again - Ok Go.

Let's Call it Even

Not the best day, but not the worst day today. On the down-side I didn't win the lotto allowing me to leave my life. On the up-side no one pissed me off enough for me to want to beat them with a stick (or make me cry). So we'll call it even.

Now, I didn't do a list yesterday (please don't tell the NaBlPoMo police), but today I think I will. So here's a little list of randomness!

1. Today is my mom's birthday - happy birthday Mom! I won't disclose her age, since I'm a good daughter, and I'm still just a little bit afraid of her (she may only be 5'-3", but she's a dynamo!).

2. My dad is having another biopsy today, he's been feeling poorly, so he decided to bit proactive on the whole rejection thing - we'll know more tomorrow.

3. I am seriously tired of winter, we're due for 3 to 8 more inches of snow tonight.

4. I am getting very good at Wii bowling, I'm only a couple of games away from becoming a "Pro". And my shoulders are killing me from boxing so much!

5. I am tired of my job, I need a vacation that is more than going home for the holidays or sitting home on a couch for an extra day or two.

6. The writer's strike nearly killed me - I've missed TV. When do I get to stop watching re-runs?
That should do it for now, I'll try to be more inspired tomorrow.

Current Music: When You Were Young - The Killers

Happy Blogaversary to Me

Technically I've been blogging for two years now, in reality it's been less than a year. I started the blog way back in 2006, but never really did anything with it until I picked it back up last May. In any case, my little blogaversary widget says today's the day - so let's par-tay! Well, actually I'd rather not, it's kind of nice to just sit here and catch up on the tivo and blogging (which seems oddly appropriate).

Thanks for the wonderful Birthday wishes, it started off a bit rough but ended up a good day in the end.

I only say that it started off a bit rough, because I was still working at the restaurant at 2am Friday night/Saturday morning. It had been my birthday for 2 hours and I there I was cleaning up after a big 21st birthday celebration (I can guarantee that the birthday girl is probably still in a bad way!). Usually Friday nights at the restaurant are fairly quiet and I'm home by 11, this Friday not so much. The good news is that the parents of the 21 year old realized that they had asked a lot and tipped me a hundred bucks, so that takes the sting out a bit :-)!

For the actual day, Scott planned a big birthday adventure day with J & M (almost all by himself). So we started off by going to the Detroit Institute of Arts, then headed out for a fun dinner in Rochester, and finished off the evening by going to see the Blue Man Group (not the greatest seats, but it was still fun!). It was a really great day -doing my favorite things with our friends - out on a glorious sunny winter day. And on the gift front, I did pretty well, Scott gave me a speaker thing-y for my i-pod and a great day out, J&M bought me a great dinner and my Mom and Dad sent me a Wii (that's the best one :-).

So that's the report back on the actual birthday - as for being 36, we'll see how the rest of the year plays out shall we?

I may not post much till the first of March, I'm a bit busy at work and I need to preserve my "creative abilities" for NaBloPoMo. Apparently there is a theme and it will be "lists", haven't decided if I'll go along with that or not just yet. And Lori, it's a fine question - just one that I've avoided talking about here, but I promise to tackle your question on my first NaBloPoMo post.

Current Music: watching 30 Minute Meals, but if I hear her say "delish" one more time I'm turning it off!