Look, it's June!

Right, so... that whole Janathon thing...

I gotta say, it was a great idea. And I really did hit the ground running - well I hit it right after I pulled myself up off the bathroom floor (since starting a running challenge on New Year's day after a very long and alcohol filled New Year's Eve isn't the easiest thing ever). I really was trying super hard (I mean I did run with a big hangover) and then... I dislocated my knee on day 5.

Needless to say, my hopes of a fabulously fit New Year kinda went down the toilet. On the upside, it was just my patella and I was up and around in no time, and back to wogging with in a couple of weeks.

So that brings us to June (I know, it's not like I couldn't blog about other stuff in the mean time, but I was busy and ...well, just scroll down to see all the other lame ass excuses I've used in past when I haven't been blogging). And what makes June so special? Why Juneathon of course!

So Juneathon is the same idea - only better weather and (theoretically) fewer hangovers. We run (or exercise in some way shape or form) every day and then blog about it. All good. Can't wait. Totally stoked for it. Only, I'm totally booked for the week and, oh yeah - I might die on Sunday. Perhaps I'm being overly dramatic, I may not actually die, but I may no longer have use of my feet or legs after Sunday.

See, I'm running my first half marathon on Sunday and I'm just not sure I'm going to make it. On the plus side there will be champagne and chocolate at the finish line and that's a helluva motivator. But really 13.1 miles?! What was I thinking?! I can barely run a 13 minute mile let alone stack up 13 of those in a row. And yet I have friends that do it frequently and swear that I can manage it. And I can totally walk it, there's no shame in walking right?

All right, enough whining. It'll be a cake walk right? 13.1 miles - no big deal. A month of running - easy peasy.  So now I can just stress out about remembering to blog.

Current Music: London Bridges - Fergie

Three in a Row

Really? Snow and hills?! Can I pick 'em or what?

Next time I think to do any "A-Thon" I need to remember not to do it in a city called Canyon Country. For the obvious reasons...

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I Double Dog Dare Me

Nothing like a good dare to get me to blog a bit! So what if it took a running and blogging challenge to get me doing it, I'm blogging. Though I wonder, do I have to blog every day? 'Cause I'm managing to run every day but not blogging every day. Well I guess it's not that big a concern at this point, given the fact that it's only the 2nd day of January. So here we are on day two, and miraculously I have run both days!

Last January I logged 40.84 miles (both running and walking) so I'm kinda hoping that I can get somewhere around there. But I'm trying not to kid myself since this time last year I wasn't working and all I really had to do was get up take mom to what ever doctors appointment/clinic visit/errand was on the schedule for the day. But still if I can keep it up I'll have another good mileage month.

Anyway, onto to the running. Yesterday was lovely, sunny, warmish and

I got to drag my friend's kid with me. Today was a different story, cold, windy rainy and the wind was forever head on when ever I was going up a hill (which is kinda odd given the fact that

I went up three different hills that were pointing in three different

directions). But the good news about today's run is that I managed to get it out of the way before this happened...

Yeah, it actually SNOWED in LA today. And that's saying something, since the last time it really snowed in LA was 1989. Oddly enough it's actually sticking and staying put for now (which could be a problem since I really need to drive over the Grapevine tomorrow). At this point I'm really hoping that it's gone by tomorrow morning so I can run before I hit the road back up north.

But I guess you'll have to tune back in to find out about that tomorrow :)

Current Music: No tunes, just a House marathon on tv

Janathon Anyone?

I know I'm supposed to do a post everyday for Janathon, but I'm totally out of time today (and you know, I'm kinda lazy). But know that I dragged my hungover ass out into the So. Cal sunshine and ran/walked/crawled my way through the first workout of the year!

So, consider this the post and I promise to do better tomorrow...

Current Music: Candy Shop - 50 cent

Hello Bloggy

You never call, you never write...

Yet again I have remembered that I do indeed have a blog. And it's not like I don't have stuff to chat about - I have the same riveting life I've always had, I guess I've just become supremely lazy. But you know, with moving, working, mom's doctor appointments and re-runs of the Jersey Shore who wouldn't give blogging a rest?

Did you see how I did that? Slipped in a little something about moving and working with out missing a beat? I'm clever that way.

Yeah, I got myself a job - a pretty good one too. And I know this because it's the same job I had before I fell out of the smart tree, hit all the stupid branches on the way down and moved to Michigan - I'm back working for my old boss in Cali (See? That's the moving part).

It's been a bit and there's been a lot of nothings and somethings, so shall we recap?

December - Mom got sick and I came out to California for an extended "visit", if you want to consider hours of waiting in surgery and doctor's waiting rooms a visit.

January - More doctors and physical therapy, for mom, not me. For me tons of driving and the need for regular therapy and drugs. Oh, and I ran - a lot.

February - Mom started chemo and I spent my birthday sitting with her in the hospital as she gets a big old blood transfusion due to anemia from surgery and chemo. Wait, Valentine's Day is in February, right? I can't remember what that included - I know it didn't include any presents or phone calls from the Hubs.

March - I can barely remember March, though I'm sure it involved lots of doctors visits and I think we did some shopping for new hair and boobs for mom. For me, more running and yoga (and bourbon).

April - Light at the end of the chemo tunnel - and all the other medical appointments were down to a dull roar. Quiet enough to start wondering if I should head back to Michigan and resume my life as it was. Then my old boss found out I was in town and pondering a change - so he called and offered me a job.

From there it's just a blur of running off to Michigan, packing up a bunch of clothes, grabbing the dog, kissing the kitties and the Hubs good-bye and getting back to California to get back to work. Then lots of working and a lot less running and yoga, but more bourbon. And here we have ourselves in October.

Slipped another one it there didn't I? I haven't said a permanent farewell to the Hubs or my darling little kitties, just to Michigan. Though I can't guarantee that there won't be a permanent goodbye between us - things are rough and living 2000 miles apart isn't always easy (though I do sleep better with the whole bed to myself). However I can guarantee that I won't be without my kitties - I'll take being the single crazy cat lady to not having them.

That's the nutshell that has been my life thus far - it's safe to say that 2010 has been another doozy of a year. It does leave me wondering about 2011, maybe that'll be my easy year.

Current Music: Sound of Sunshine - Michael Franti

Shameless...

Yeah, so it's been a loooooong time since I've blogged, and I have all sorts of excuses rationalizations really good reasons as to why I haven't been around. So why blog now? Well I figured what was a blog good for if not for shameless self promotion and winning a free prize...

So the Art of Waiting is having another contest for yet another super cute yellow toy camera - and I want it, again. All I have to do is mention them in this post (check), follow their blog and tweets (check) and shamelessly retweet about how I want to win the camera (check). So theoretically I'm a lock to win this little cutie!

As for the real blogging, I've been trying to get back to it for real. And I'm gonna, I swear. In fact, the NaBloPoMo theme for April is "Big" - and big things have been happening, so maybe...

Can't and Won't

Call it semantics, but it's a big deal around here. We were raised by a man that knew his grammar. I can't tell you the number of times my Dad corrected any of us, including my mom, about the correct use of can & may, can't & won't, who & whom. He would even correct random folks (which I'm sure really made their day) And now I hear my sister drumming it into my nieces all the time "Mom, can I have that?" - her response "Sure you can, but may you?" Dad would be so proud.

But even I do it. For instance, today - as I was arguing with Scott- he said I can't change my own oil or mow the lawn. I said it's not that I can't, it's that I won't - not when there are perfectly trained individuals that can do it for me and save me time and messing up a manicure. That's simple right? But somehow he has trouble with it, somehow he figures because I won't I can't - this from a man who hasn't bought his own underwear in 17 years (I think he literally can not buy his own clothes any more).

And as annoying as I find it to be the only one shopping for my husband's clothing, that really isn't the problem I have (well, maybe it's not a problem yet, but it's got all the markings of one). At yesterday's appointment with the oncologist we were told that my mom is technically "cured" as far as the breast cancer goes - the tumors have been removed and everything looks good, but (come one, you just knew there had to be a but right?) she still has a 40% chance of the cancer reoccurring in some way shape or form. The next step is to give her some sort of protein therapy that does some magical cancer disappearing act on this particular type of cancer and her risk of recurrence goes down another 15% to 25% - so yay that's good news. The number gets even better, down to an 18% (I recall the number being smaller, but my sister and mother think it was 18%, which is another reason why I thought it was a good idea to bring a tape recorder but was voted down, but I digress...) chance of recurrence if she does the recommended course of chemo.

So what's the problem you ask? The path is clear, mom should go the distance with chemo and the protein therapy and reduce her chances of recurrence as much as is possible right? Apparently not.

I just got a call from my sister asking what I think of mom not doing chemo - saying that she just didn't want mom to have to go through all the bad stuff for 7%. She said she just doesn't think mom can do it. And while I like to agree with all the quality of life issues, I find myself in this place where I simply can't bear to think of a 7% chance of losing my mom. So how do I tell my mother - my snarky, sarcastic, uppity, non-compliant, but I can't imagine the earth without her mother - that I simply can't and I won't allow her not to make that extra 7% happen?

Current Music: Restless - Alison Krauss & Union Station

Cancer for Dummies

Right, so I thought that I would be all witty by saying how "I wish there was a Cancer for Dummies book", turns out there is (and there's MORE than one). I guess now I'd thought to write this post and search Amazon before now.

This afternoon is mom's first appointment with the oncologist. Today we finally get some answers, or at least we hope so. Maybe if we'd bought "Breast Cancer for Dummies" we wouldn't be so in the dark right now. As of right now all we know is that she had two types of cancer, that she had to (and did have) a bilateral radical mastectomy, and that there was lymph node involvement. She was diagnosed in October and yet that's all we know.

She went slowly from mammogram to biopsy, biopsy to MRI, MRI to surgical consult, surgical consult to actual surgery. From there she had to take time to heal from surgery and then it would finally be time to see the oncologist. I know that I don't deal with cancer every day like these doctors do, but shouldn't there some sense of urgency? Some concern that this is cancer and could kill my last remaining parent (a thought that I am not really ready to tackle just yet)?

I'm trying to have faith that the doctors know what's going on and that we'll all get through this, but a few answers would be nice. Here's hoping that we have them later this afternoon.

Current Music: Goodbye Yellow Brick Road - Elton John

Happy New Year!

I've got to tell you, I'm exceptionally happy to see the back of 2009. It was not what I would consider to be a banner year. In fact, what's the opposite of banner year? Because, with a few exceptions, that's what it's been - an "unbanner year". Though, upon a little reflection, I think I could easily say that I'm glad to be rid of the whole damn decade. Sure there are some wonderful things that have happened in the last 10 years - my sister got married, my nieces were born, we bought our first house, etc. Some really great things to be sure, but then the really bad stuff seems to eclipse it all.

But since it's been a while since I've blogged, I suppose I should catch you all up... Should we go with the good news first or the bad news? I guess good news first - it's a shorter list and I hate to bum you all out too early.

- I joined a gym, and began training to run my first 5k - and now I'm about to run my third tomorrow.

- I started on anti-depressants which has helped to a certain degree, sadly it hasn't helped everything. But apparently they don't make a pill for that just yet.

- I got a two and a half week vacation to Cali, courtesy of my Mom and unemployment.

- Part of that vacation included a trip to LA and great girl's weekend with two of my three college roommates.

And now for the not so good news.

- I was able to take the vacation by getting laid off for two weeks, but when I returned to Michigan my bosses decided to make it more long term. So I've been out of work since the 22nd of September.

- Scott and I have been on the rocks, more than that - really it seems like the end, but neither one of us can figure out how to actually make it end.

- The two college roommates that I saw in September are both in the process of separation and possibly divorce as well.

- And the really big news, my Mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in October (sort of ironic to be diagnosed during National Breast Cancer Month, no?)

I will say that the silver lining of the unemployment is that it's made me available to come home and take care of my Mom. I've been in California since early December and it looks like I'll be here till the end of January at this point. Scott's none too thrilled with the situation, but it's my last parent so I'm going to do what ever needs to happen.

The not so silver lining of the unemployment is that it's made life so much more difficult - not from a monetary stand point (not that it's easy, but it's not horrible), but due to the fact that it gives me far too much time to get up in my head and stress out about all the other things going on in my life.

And of course there is the decided lack of jobs in my area - at this point I'm pondering returning to California just so I can work (well, at doing my job and not just taking a random job). Another thing that Scott's not too thrilled about, but I need to work - not only for the money, but for the mental and social aspects as well.

So, can you really blame me for being glad to get rid of 2009?

Anyway, the result of all this whining is that I'm going to make the resolution to blog more (yeah, I know you've heard it before, but I'm gonna try), to combat the psychological effects of all that bad news I've listed up there. I know deep down under all that crappy stuff I'm still there and missing writing.

Current Music: Cold Blooded Old Times - Smog

Would you like some Cheese with that Whine?

I know I keep saying that I don't have a lot to write about, and in a lot of ways that's wrong. There's tons of random things rambling around up in my brain - but they just aren't that interesting. In fact, it's mostly just a lot of whining.

So every couple of days I've started a new post, trying to be witty or funny or just plain interesting - and all that comes out is more whining. Sometimes it's a matter of being tired of things, other times it's just all the things that I should be doing (but I'm not), most of the time it devolves into rambling about my job or problems with Scott. One way or the other, I get a few paragraphs into the post and find that it's really just not anything I would want to read and so why should I subject you to reading it?

I guess what it comes down to is that depression that I thought wasn't that big a deal (since I could get up and go to work and make dinner and all the basic stuff) really is a big deal. I've realized that I'm not doing lots of things that I used to love to do (writing, scrapbooking, talking to family, etc.) and instead I'm just sitting around watching tv or reading books. But if there is a silver lining to all of this it's that I'm actually fairly functional all things considered. Or maybe it's that I realize that I do miss doing all that stuff, so maybe I can make my way back to it.

Really it comes down to that fact that the little hole that I thought I was sitting in is actually a lot deeper than I thought and not only is it hard to get out of, but it's not very interesting.

Current Music: Escape Myself - Nouvelle Vague

It's a Wonder

Right, so I didn't blog yesterday. But I have a really good excuse - I had nothing to write. It occurred to me that part of the reason that I haven't been writing much is because I haven't had a heck of a lot to say. And sadly, that is still the case. But I said I was going to write, so I'm going to do it (even if it is a bit lame and regurgitated).

A couple of things I've been wondering...

I wonder why I love the shallow moments of being a girl - nail polish, lip gloss, new shoes, whatever!

I wonder when the wrinkles in my forehead decided to take up permanent residence.

I wonder why leftover dinner tastes so yummy late at night.

I wonder why my husband can't manage to put an empty soda can in the recycling bin.

I wonder why everyone here has to call it "pop" instead of "soda" like everyone else.

I wonder why the first day I look for airfares they're super cheap, but the day that I go to buy the tickets everything goes up $50 to $75.

I wonder why it takes so long to get an appointment with a new doctor, really are there that many people that need check ups?

I wonder why sitting in the sun has to be so bad for you when it feels so wonderful.

I wonder how I always manage to get one cat hair in my newly painted nails (all right that one isn't really a wonder as much as an irritation).

I wonder how much longer I can manage to duck my sister's calls.

I wonder if I'm the only person kind of freaked by the new Prius commercials.

I wonder what "Adult Hits" are on satellite radio - sounds kinda scary.

I wonder if they can do laser hair removal on the bikini line, 'cause I'm tired of waxing and shaving - not one of the brighter points of being a girl.

I wonder how bad the new G.I. Joe movie is going to be and why I really want to see it.

I wonder what I'm going to think of to write for tomorrow...

Current Music: Careless Whisper - Seether (I'm not much for remakes, but this one isn't too bad)

Tomorrow I Will Blog

Right, so last month's theme for NaBloPoMo was "routines" - and I had high hopes of getting back into the routine of blogging. I miss reading, I miss writing. But then there are so many things that I miss lately - lots of things that I haven't been doing that I should be.

The new theme for the month is "Tomorrow". So tomorrow I will blog (and go to the gym and clean my house). I'll do my best to do the NaBloPoMo thing, sometimes I just need a little self imposed guilt to get me back into the swing of things.

See you tomorrow...

Current Music: Killing the Blues - Robert Plant and Allison Krauss

Routines

The topic of NaBloPoMo for July is Routine. And (as always) I'm not saying that I'm for sure gonna do it, but it's a cool topic. So it's tempting...

Especially given the fact that my routines are about to be blown all to hell for the next week. That's right, it's vacation time! I'm headed home to Cali, for a whole week, no holiday drama (just the regular kind) and Scott free, which means that I'll be able to see my friends with out hearing him sigh heavily (you know that exasperated "I can't believe that I have to endure this again, you're sooooo gonna owe me for this" kind of sigh).

My plans as of this moment are to see a whole lot of friends and a bit of family. In between all that, I'm hoping to spend some time in my old stomping grounds - walk around Noe Valley (stop at my favorite jewelry shop), head out to Livermore and maybe do a little wine tasting, drive along the coast and sit by the ocean.

That's a biggie, sitting by the ocean. I REALLY need to do that. When anyone around here says "beach" they mean the lake - and that's nice, it's sandy and there's nice water. But to me it's just not the same, it's not a "real" beach. I need waves and salt air - that's a beach. And I'm not even sure why I feel such a compelling need to do it, but I do. I can't wait to dig my toes into the sand, sit down and breathe.

As for all the other stuff, I know I'm trying to squeeze a lot in, but I just really feel this need to reconnect with my family, my friends and my home. Ever since I decided to go, I almost cry I'm so anxious to get home (which really is strange, since usually I sort of dread going home). I'm not sure I really get it, but hopefully once I get there things will get clearer.

And we'll see about NaBloPoMo.

Current Music: Daydreamer - Adele

Crisis of Mid-Life Proportions - Bad to the Bone

And now back to the Mid-Life Crisis already in progress...

I've always been a pretty good kid, done what I was told, when I was told to do it. Curfews, yes ma'am. Cut classes, no sir. But I have to say that, for the most part, it was pretty easy to be good. Of course nothing comes that easily, there had to be a few sticking points, right?

When I was growing up I wasn't allowed to have my ears pierced. According to my Dad, only bad girls had their ears pierced (you know the kind that broke curfew and went around with guys on motorcycles - and probably hung out with Danny Zuko and Kenickie). So I waited, and waited. By my senior year I'd figured that I'd have to get it done when I moved out - clearly that was going to be the deal. But then, for my High School graduation, I was given a pair of amethyst earrings - a lovely gift from my Father of all people. Off to college I went, a bad girl with pierced ears.

But by then, everyone had multiple piercings. I wasn't bad enough, I needed more! I'd finally turned I'd turned 18 and boy did I make up for lost time - the final count six. Each piercing drove my Dad nuts, and by the time I got the navel piercing he was shocked, but he was getting so used to me showing up with new jewelry that he just said "well, at least it's not another hole in your head".

So imagine my Dad's reaction if I'd ever gotten a tattoo! That would have been a doozy! He would have assumed I was doomed to a life of Motorcycle gangs and teasing my hair. (Though, in his defense he did fairly well when my sister dropped trow at a family dinner and showed off her new tattoo. And in her defense she turned out pretty all right, tattoo and all.)

Poor reaction or not, I've always wanted a tattoo. Always. And not just because it would piss off my Dad, and not because my sister got one - I just dig them. You'd think that I'd have gotten one before now but the fact of the matter is that I've never really figured out what I wanted to have on my body for the rest of my life.

I didn't want to be that old lady with a Winnie the Pooh on her ass, and I really don't want anything that's your "traditional" tattoo (you know, anchor across the chest, heart with "Mom" in the middle). And I really didn't want to be the gal that got a tattoo in just the wrong spot and by the time she was 50 you couldn't read it anymore because it was so stretched out. So I've waited, figuring that if I ever happened to find the right thing, at the right time and figure the right place - then I would get a tattoo.

A month or so after my Dad died it occurred to me that the two things that define me the most and are most dear to me are my family and my California roots (did I ever tell you that I'm a fourth generation Californian? Yeah, me and Cali go way back.).

So keeping those two things in mind (and of course gravity and likely fat deposits), I finally go my tattoo!

It's a golden poppy, California's state flower - along with the word "Eureka!", the California state motto (which means "I have found it", and was reportedly said when they first found gold - which coincidentally was when my family moved to California).

I. Love. It.

As a friend of mine said "it's your soul", and she's right. Some people wear their hearts on their sleeves, I now have my soul on my ankle.

It's been almost a month now and every morning I look at it and smile - thinking of California, of where and who I come from. Although every now and then I catch a glimpse of it and giggle, thinking "hey, I'm a bad girl with a tattoo!".

Way back when I first started writing this post, I hadn't gotten the tattoo. Everything was still sort of coming together. Plus I really was worried that some would consider it to be a mid-life crisis sort of thing, (Scott thinks that's what it is, in fact he asked a number of times if it was permanent). But really, with the exception of getting this tattoo in mid-life, there is nothing mid-life crisis about it. Just me finally figuring something out about myself, but maybe that's what a good mid-life crisis can do for you.

I'm sure my Dad is looking down on me from somewhere, shaking his head. But hopefully a little bit happy that I've finally figured out what my family history means to me (even if it means being such a bad girl).

Current Music: She Moves in Her Own Way - The Kooks


Oh, and for those of you playing at home, cojones. I'm guessing that I must have been thinking about how scared I was of the pain, which, as it turns out, really wasn't that bad!

The Trifecta

June is a usually a good month - well at least I used to think it was. Really, what's not to like? When we were young it was the beginning of warm weather and summer vacation, camp, sleeping in, goofing off with friends till the sunset then running home for dinner and then heading back out for more. I suppose getting older makes June a little less magical, more bridal and baby showers to go to or weddings attend, maybe having to deal with those irritating teens hanging out at the mall. But it's still the beginning of summer - even if we don't quite celebrate it the same.

When I lived in the Bay Area summer didn't really get into full swing till August, but June usually held those first few peeks at what was to come - it meant that San Francisco could actually get to 70 degrees and we could shed our sweaters and go for lunch outside. In Oakland, you could get out a pair of shorts and walk the dogs late into the evening (as long as the fog didn't roll in).

Once I moved to Michigan I really learned to appreciate June - by June Spring has usually sprung and then sprung away. The farmers market is starting to get the first real harvests in, all the geraniums that the little old ladies planted in May are blooming all over the place, and the grass is green - no matter which side of the fence you look on. And it means the beginning of an incredibly busy season of parties, hanging out with friends on the beach and generally soaking in every bit of sun, sand, water and fun that you can so that it can keep you warm all winter long.

So all things being equal, June should rock - and it did before my Dad died. June used to be a big month for our family, it was sort of an end of the season of celebration (all of our family's birthdays are over by June, so June was the last big deal till the holidays). It started off with Dad's birthday, going right on to my parent's anniversary and then rolling on to the big day, and always my Dad's favorite, Father's Day. When my brother-in-law came on the scene we celebrated his half-birthday in June (long story, but it makes June all the more fun) and when my nieces were born we had another dad to celebrate. June was a great month in our house and now it's just turned into the Trifecta of Crap-tastic-ness (a newly coined term, feel free to use it!).

As this June approached and Father's Day got closer I've been desperate to find a way to deal with today. Should I just hide out? Should I go out and celebrate with other dads? How can I make the day ok - still enjoy it as much as he did when he's not here. And then it occurred to me - baseball. I may not be able to celebrate with my Dad, but I sure can go do something he loved almost as much as Father's Day (well, probably more, the man did love baseball). So we're off to watch the Tigers take on the Brewers, we'll sit in the sun, eat hot dogs, drink beer, sing take me out to the ball game and maybe (if I'm really channeling Dad) I'll listen to the radio broadcast and score the game like he used to (but probably not, since it's kind of dorky and we used to make fun of him for doing it). Hopefully it will be a good day, we can be happy for the time we had with him and enjoy what he loved - Father's Day and baseball.

But could you all do me a favor? Hug a Dad for me today.

Current Music: Somewhere Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World - Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

Random Post on a Random Word

I was just going back to an old draft post to try writing it again. I gave it a quick read through and then started a few edits. As I got to the end I found the word "cojones" at the bottom.

I haven't the faintest clue as to why it was there, I'm not really sure what it has to do with what I was writing about or why I might have written it in the first place. And yet there sits at the bottom of the post. I might just leave it there to see if you're all paying attention.

Some times I crack myself up.

Current Music: Far Away - Ingrid Michaelson

I'm Here...Kind Of

Just checking in quickly.

In the good news category:
- Scott got a real job (well kind of).
- That real job comes with real health insurance (instead of the expensive half-assed version that we had before).
- Because of that insurance I've finally decided to get my sorry ass into therapy.
- I got to drive off to DC to meet up with my dear friends to go to the Big Gay Hoedown again.
- I got a sassy new hair cut a month ago, and the bangs are good (I know, I can die happy now, right?)
- It is finally green here, mostly.
- I'm still employed, for now.

In the bad news category:
- The real job that Scott got only helps us go broke more slowly.
- The therapist as diagnosed me as clinically depressed (which I really didn't think I was, but hey, now I can get some cool drugs if I want to).
- I got a ticket on my way back from DC - that sucked.
- It's still freaking freezing here, we've had like 3 warm days and I've either been out of town or in the office.
- I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be employed, or how much longer I want to be employed.

Other than all that I'm soooo in the middle of my little mid-life crisis. Darn it, I started it without you guys, now I'm in the middle of it and you all don't even know about it. Let's just say that I've done some less than healthy things (less than health for my emotional well being and possibly for my marriage) and am now reaping the rewards. Once I get my head clear(er) I'll report back.

But know that I'm here, mostly. I'm reading your blogs, checking in with you all - even though I'm not commenting much. Really I'm trying to dig out of this hole I've found myself in.

Current Music: We Made You - Eminem

Crisis of Mid-Life Proportions - A Post of Many Parts

Happy Blogoversary to me! Wow, has it really been three years? No, not really - more like two, but still, that's pretty good right. Apparently I really do have that much random crap to discuss with myself.

I did have an ok birthday. I tried hard not to be too sad or mopey. I did things that I wanted to do - did my nails and toes, cleaned up some of my scrapbooking stuff, took the dog for a drive, hung out with Scott and generally had an ok day. Of course my brain never really stops, so there was bound to be some sadness.

One of the many things that my never-stopping brain decided to roll around was my looming mid-life crisis. Not that I have to have one mind you, just that I think I am. The last couple of months have had me examining my life, where I've been and where it could be headed. I'm not certain that it's truly a mid-life crisis and if it is I don't know if it could be attributed to to my dad's death, my age, the economy or anything else. One thing I am certain of I am both profoundly unhappy and dissatisfied with my life.

So this posts is a kick-off for a series posts on the different parts of my mid-life crisis. I'll try not to bore you with all of them all at once, or maybe I will - get it all off my chest and see if that helps at all. If this doesn't work I'm going to have to start saving up for my little red sports car and the hot blond to go with it.

Current Music: World Waits for You - Son Volt

p.s. Don't you just love the little things I found at Disney Land - I tried to buy the little sign, but the clerk said it was a display item only. I would have tried to take it, but you know, it's Disney and that's just not right.

Another Year Older and Deeper in Debt

Yep, it's that time of year again, well almost - my birthday is tomorrow.

Remember when birthdays were a magical day? There were presents, balloons, a cake with candles (maybe a pony if you were lucky). What happened to that, why do adult birthdays have to be just like any other day? It seems like once you get past those milestone birthdays of 16, 18 and 21 adult birthdays are pretty much just another reminder that you are getting older.

And this one is going to be particularly tough - this will be my very first birthday with out my Dad. I'd never really thought about it but there are only two people (well, one now) that have been part of my life for every one of my birthdays. Sure I have aunts and uncles, and my sister has been around just two years less - but it's just not the same.

Right now the thought of having a birthday tomorrow makes me want to crawl into bed and cry for days on end. All my friends have been super nice, calls and cards and birthday wishes - but the thought of tomorrow coming is absolutely devastating. I know Scott is worried, but I haven't told him what's going on in my head - I don't want to get into that with him right now.

I've decided to take tomorrow off - the day is already going to be miserable enough, I don't need to make it worse by going to work. But I really don't know what to do with myself. Should I go do something interesting, go to a museum an art gallery (do they even have those here?) or maybe I go to a mall and spend sometime window shopping (because even though I am about to be a year older I'm really doing my best to stay out of debt). Perhaps I'll go get a mani-pedi and get my hair done.

One way or the other, I think that I'll be spending it quietly. And part of the time will be alone, and that's ok.

Current Music: February Air - Lights

Oh What A Night

I should start out with the requisite apology for goofing up the end of NaBloPoMo and not having been around for a bit. But I really don't have much of and excuse for not being around, besides a severe case of what my sister would call "Head Up Ass" disease. I did bail on the last day of NaBloPoMo, but I have a number of reasonable excuses - I was in a different time zone, I was entertaining someone else's children in Disneyland, I'd already messed up NaBloPoMo anyway, oh and I was at my super important reunion (also called the mini Slug-Fest-Love-Fest-Drinking-Fest).

It was pretty damned awesome! It's been almost 13 years since I'd seen all my old roomies and almost 20 since we'd lived together, yet we were able to pick back up as if no time had passed. Sure we were all a bit older, maybe a few more pounds here and there, but no worse for wear. Some of us had kids, some weren't working, one was having an affair, and one had a nice new set of boobs (none of those are me by the way) - but all still in good shape and still the same bunch of fun gals we always were.

Oh, and did I say we all looked pretty good? 'Cause we did. My one roomie said that "almost 40 is the new 20" - maybe she's right. Oh and I'm pretty sure I pulled off the H-O-T, hot bit as well ("you are hotter now than you even were in college" - a direct quote from the Ex) - even with the bangs.

After plenty of girl chatter and gossip the once "Fearsome Foursome" (our nickname way back in our Freshman year) got all tarted up and headed out to the bar to meet the rest of the Slugs. The group was supposed to include one Ex per roomie (yep, we broke hearts and took names once upon a time), plus a couple of floor-mates from our Freshman and Sophomore dorms. The "rest" of the group ended up being only be my Ex and one other friend. Oh, and my Ex brought his wife - which actually turned out ok, she was really nice (and incredibly tall and could kick my ass in a hot second, so I have to say she was nice right? :-).

Anywhoo, we headed out to the restaurant and proceeded to eat, drink and relive old times (strangely they included a lot of talk about how my Ex and I hooked up all those years ago - the good news is that his wife took it in good form). We kept talking, eating, drinking and laughing till we realized that we were getting a bit too loud for the rest of the restaurant patrons. We knew we weren't done with the evening so we headed on to some random country bar around the corner (which you really wouldn't expect to see in the trendy part of San Diego, and yet...).

At some point between trying to get me on the mechanical bull and the tequila shots we started to really have a good time! The guys tried out a little table dancing - which was frightening (and managed to get the bouncers over to our table). I'm fairly certain that at least one of the girls had a little spin on the pole (clothes on). But the night couldn't end there! Not long after, we all ended up on the roof top bar dancing and drinking well into the wee hours of the morning. Sometime around 3am we dragged ourselves back to our room and into bed.

We all managed to drag ourselves out of bed the next morning and down to breakfast. I'm not sure that we did any better than we did 20 years ago, but we all made it through the night not too much worse for wear. We enjoyed a breakfast and shared a small bottle of Advil and started making plans for the next reunion.

I guess the good news is that I've got a year to recover.

Current Music: So Long, Farewell, Bye Bye - Big Bad Voodoo Daddy