Can't and Won't

Call it semantics, but it's a big deal around here. We were raised by a man that knew his grammar. I can't tell you the number of times my Dad corrected any of us, including my mom, about the correct use of can & may, can't & won't, who & whom. He would even correct random folks (which I'm sure really made their day) And now I hear my sister drumming it into my nieces all the time "Mom, can I have that?" - her response "Sure you can, but may you?" Dad would be so proud.

But even I do it. For instance, today - as I was arguing with Scott- he said I can't change my own oil or mow the lawn. I said it's not that I can't, it's that I won't - not when there are perfectly trained individuals that can do it for me and save me time and messing up a manicure. That's simple right? But somehow he has trouble with it, somehow he figures because I won't I can't - this from a man who hasn't bought his own underwear in 17 years (I think he literally can not buy his own clothes any more).

And as annoying as I find it to be the only one shopping for my husband's clothing, that really isn't the problem I have (well, maybe it's not a problem yet, but it's got all the markings of one). At yesterday's appointment with the oncologist we were told that my mom is technically "cured" as far as the breast cancer goes - the tumors have been removed and everything looks good, but (come one, you just knew there had to be a but right?) she still has a 40% chance of the cancer reoccurring in some way shape or form. The next step is to give her some sort of protein therapy that does some magical cancer disappearing act on this particular type of cancer and her risk of recurrence goes down another 15% to 25% - so yay that's good news. The number gets even better, down to an 18% (I recall the number being smaller, but my sister and mother think it was 18%, which is another reason why I thought it was a good idea to bring a tape recorder but was voted down, but I digress...) chance of recurrence if she does the recommended course of chemo.

So what's the problem you ask? The path is clear, mom should go the distance with chemo and the protein therapy and reduce her chances of recurrence as much as is possible right? Apparently not.

I just got a call from my sister asking what I think of mom not doing chemo - saying that she just didn't want mom to have to go through all the bad stuff for 7%. She said she just doesn't think mom can do it. And while I like to agree with all the quality of life issues, I find myself in this place where I simply can't bear to think of a 7% chance of losing my mom. So how do I tell my mother - my snarky, sarcastic, uppity, non-compliant, but I can't imagine the earth without her mother - that I simply can't and I won't allow her not to make that extra 7% happen?

Current Music: Restless - Alison Krauss & Union Station

Cancer for Dummies

Right, so I thought that I would be all witty by saying how "I wish there was a Cancer for Dummies book", turns out there is (and there's MORE than one). I guess now I'd thought to write this post and search Amazon before now.

This afternoon is mom's first appointment with the oncologist. Today we finally get some answers, or at least we hope so. Maybe if we'd bought "Breast Cancer for Dummies" we wouldn't be so in the dark right now. As of right now all we know is that she had two types of cancer, that she had to (and did have) a bilateral radical mastectomy, and that there was lymph node involvement. She was diagnosed in October and yet that's all we know.

She went slowly from mammogram to biopsy, biopsy to MRI, MRI to surgical consult, surgical consult to actual surgery. From there she had to take time to heal from surgery and then it would finally be time to see the oncologist. I know that I don't deal with cancer every day like these doctors do, but shouldn't there some sense of urgency? Some concern that this is cancer and could kill my last remaining parent (a thought that I am not really ready to tackle just yet)?

I'm trying to have faith that the doctors know what's going on and that we'll all get through this, but a few answers would be nice. Here's hoping that we have them later this afternoon.

Current Music: Goodbye Yellow Brick Road - Elton John

Routines

The topic of NaBloPoMo for July is Routine. And (as always) I'm not saying that I'm for sure gonna do it, but it's a cool topic. So it's tempting...

Especially given the fact that my routines are about to be blown all to hell for the next week. That's right, it's vacation time! I'm headed home to Cali, for a whole week, no holiday drama (just the regular kind) and Scott free, which means that I'll be able to see my friends with out hearing him sigh heavily (you know that exasperated "I can't believe that I have to endure this again, you're sooooo gonna owe me for this" kind of sigh).

My plans as of this moment are to see a whole lot of friends and a bit of family. In between all that, I'm hoping to spend some time in my old stomping grounds - walk around Noe Valley (stop at my favorite jewelry shop), head out to Livermore and maybe do a little wine tasting, drive along the coast and sit by the ocean.

That's a biggie, sitting by the ocean. I REALLY need to do that. When anyone around here says "beach" they mean the lake - and that's nice, it's sandy and there's nice water. But to me it's just not the same, it's not a "real" beach. I need waves and salt air - that's a beach. And I'm not even sure why I feel such a compelling need to do it, but I do. I can't wait to dig my toes into the sand, sit down and breathe.

As for all the other stuff, I know I'm trying to squeeze a lot in, but I just really feel this need to reconnect with my family, my friends and my home. Ever since I decided to go, I almost cry I'm so anxious to get home (which really is strange, since usually I sort of dread going home). I'm not sure I really get it, but hopefully once I get there things will get clearer.

And we'll see about NaBloPoMo.

Current Music: Daydreamer - Adele

This is Your Dance Space and This is My Dance Space

Our house is small, some might say cozy - not crazy small, but it's not much more than 1100 square feet. When we moved into the house we "finished" part of the basement to give our selves a bit more room. But, all in all, it's a fine sized house for two people.

When we finished off the basement we figured it would be a "family room", a bigger gathering space, a spot to watch movies and sports (the big TV is down there). But it turned into Scott's man cave, his place away from me. So I am left with the living room, which is just fine - it has the better lighting, the fire place, the comfy chairs and a way better view.

Generally each evening, after dinner, Scott goes downstairs and watches TV or plays his video games. Sometimes I hate that he goes down there at all (as opposed to spending time with me) and other times he can't get down there fast enough for me. Mostly it works out just fine, we each have our own spaces to retreat to and we're happy.

And then the basement flooded.

For almost two weeks I've been sharing my space. At first it wasn't bad, we watched shows that we both liked and had fun hanging out together. But it didn't take too long for it to get annoying. Not being able to watch the shows I wanted to watch, or listen to music because he was watching TV. Most nights I would feel more stressed before going to bed, because I hadn't had time to unwind the way I'm used to.

I suppose I should be saying "please don't think I don't like being with my husband". But the truth is, that at the end of the day I like to sit and eat dinner with him and talk about our days and then we each go our own way and I curl up in my chair, watch TV and goof around on-line.

So today, in an effort to restore marital bliss, we spent the day getting his man cave back in order. New carpet and new wall, and soon a new tile area (where we had the most water). Tomorrow we'll continue, I'll work on getting all the little stuff back in it's spots and Scott will work on the tile floor. For now the furniture is mostly back in place, the TV is hooked up. So Scott is happily ensconced in his man cave and I am sitting blissfully here in my chair by myself.

Life is getting back to normal.

Current Music: Up On The Roof - The Drifters

It's Been a While

"Forgive me Internet, for I have sinned - it's been a month since my last blog post."

I'm still here. I'd like to tell you that I've just been so busy with the holidays and things, but in reality (with the exception of making a billion holiday cards) I've been reading, watching a lot of tv and generally lazing about.

Since it's been a while I'll give you the highlights:

- Thanksgiving was good, fairly uneventful. But it was the beginning of a downward trend; the stress of buying presents, getting plane tickets to go home for Christmas, thinking about what Christmas would be like without my Dad there, etc.

- A tree almost fell on the house the other day. High winds took out a huge chunk of my favorite tree and missed the house by inches. It did manage to ruin a fair amount of the fence and part of the gutter - but nothing too serious. Happily it happened on the one "warm-ish" day last week so it wasn't too horrible to clean up (not that I did any of it, but I'd hate for the tree guys to freeze).

- I've been in California for the last 6 days, I've done little to nothing and yet barely had time to see friends. Though I can honestly say that I've already had my fill of family and am seriously looking forward to my flight back east.

- It has been grey, rainy and generally shitty weather 5 of the 6 days that I have been home. Apparently California didn't get the memo that I come here for the sun. Also, my Mother has decided that the house is warm enough at 55 degrees. I've been freezing cold for all 6 days - though I'm looking forward to a thaw tomorrow (I guess we turn on the heat for company).

- Since Hanukkah is so late this year, Scott and I are celebrating it here - which is strange, since it's always been our personal celebration, but good strange. My nieces have been learning all about Hanukkah and Kwanzaa at pre-school so they are really digging lighting the candles and playing dreidel, and I think Scott is enjoying sharing it all with them. I'm a bit jealous that it's no longer something that is only ours, but we're all having such a great time creating a new family tradition that I expect I'll get over it.

- Scott and I are on the verge, of what I don't know. But I know that neither of us are handling the stress of losing my Dad, the holidays or the problems of the economy very well. I expect we'll be fine if we can get through another couple of months, but it's making an already bad time even worse.

- Even on that verge of what ever it is, we are seriously starting to consider moving. I have no idea how we will pull it off financially, but if the economy in Michigan continues it's ride to hell in a hand basket then we're loading up the truck (again) and getting out of Dodge (no pun intended, but my Dad would be proud :-). I'm thinking Seattle or Portland, possibly Philly - my only requirements for me are a big city, near water and at least a 1-2 hour plane ride from my family.

- On the Dad front, I'm not really feeling Christmas. I didn't decorate the house, I barely bought any presents, and if my Mom hadn't made me come out to California I doubt that I would have left home.

This sort of sums it up nicely (well except for the warm and fuzzy ending):



And oddly enough, the Grinch was always one of my Dad's favorites, so maybe that's a good sign. I'm hoping for a better Christmas next year - but not holding my breath just yet.

I'm off to bed (it's the only warm spot in the house!) - so I say to you, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and/or Happy Kwanzaa!

The Number is Up

A while ago I wrote about my Dad's days being numbered - today his number came up. My Dad is gone.

I was about to walk out the door for work when my sister called. Now it's never a good thing if my sister is up at 6:30am (on so many levels), so I wasn't expecting anything good - but I wasn't expecting this. How do you prepare yourself for that?

He hadn't been feeling well for a while, he'd been light headed and short of breath and he went to the clinic (the special post-transplant clinic that took care of him) - but both times he went they said they couldn't figure out what the problem was and they sent him home. He was having problems, but we didn't expect this.

I'm trying to remember that these last two years, since his transplant have been borrowed time - just extra, special time. But mostly I'm just in shock and feeling incredibly lost.

We're headed home to California for a week to take care of my Mom. Thankfully my sister has done what she does best- she took charge of everything and most of the basic details are covered. I'll be gone for a bit, but I'll be back.

Current Music: Solitude - Billie Holiday

Strike!

My girl KimmyK is the smartest girl in the universe! She suggested I go on strike. That way I could just blog away and visit all my peeps and enjoy myself - the way it was intended! And I totally would, except...

1. Striking does not pay well - actually, neither of my jobs pay particularly well, so I guess that's not really a very good argument.

2. I've tried it before, and it doesn't work. What tends to happen in the battle of wills I lose - my ability to handle the grossness is lacking compared to Scott's. Well, he's a guy of course he can handle more gross than I can!

3. Guilt. While I was not raised either Catholic or Jewish I have enough guilt to give any of those kids a run for their money. I know that my mom won't actually care about how clean my house is. I know that there's no NaBloPoMo police - that I don't have to post every day. I know that every single one of my clients isn't going to call when I'm gone - so I don't need to leave notes on every file. But I feel like I should, so I do.

And in housekeeping news - progress has been made...

Yesterday, when Scott told me he was going to stay home I told him to fold the laundry that had been sitting for three days - I didn't hint, I didn't ask, I told him. AND IT WORKED!

Today, he asked what he could do to help, and he looked at the To-Do list and he actually ta-did! Now, he only did half the laundry, dusted, swept and vacuumed the floors - but as you'll recall I only expected that he would maybe vacuum. So I'll consider that progress!

We'll see what happens tomorrow, but I'm not getting my hopes up.

Current Music: We're All In This Together - Ben Lee

I Might Be Dumb

Well, really there's no "might be" about it, but here's why I'm dumb this time. I'm pondering doing NaBloPoMo for June. Not really sure that I have time, or the energy, or even the brain cells. The thing is that the theme for June is "home" and that struck a chord with me. That and the fact that saying the other day that my blog makes me happy makes me think that I should do it more - and since I tend to post more frequently (say, every day) when I'm doing NaBloPoMo, then maybe it's a good thing.

I haven't completely committed myself to this yet, but I'll sleep on it and see what I think in the morning.

Oh, and to stay true to the theme I am posting from a friends house tonight (and if I do NaBloPoMo all the rest of the week) - but more on that later!

Current Music: Home - Barenaked Ladies