Thankful

At first I couldn't think of what to be thankful for today - but then I read all of your comments. So thank you, one and all! Thank you for your advice and support and words of compassion. Once I got to that point, I realized that perhaps there are other things to be thankful for this Thanksgiving day...

I'm thankful that I had such a great dad, one that I can miss and love and be sad about. Wouldn't it be worse if I didn't, isn't it better to mourn all the funny, wonderful little things?

I'm thankful for the family that I have, while they are hurting too - they are loving and supportive. They're crazy and they are a pain in the ass too, but they're mine and that's a good thing.

I'm also thankful for the furry-four-legged members of my family, they have done a great job of keeping me somewhat sane. I put a lot of faith in the power of a purr and a wet puppy nose.

I'm thankful that we all are healthy and relatively happy (you know, except for the moments of crushing grief).

And I'm thankful that Scott and I will have a nice small dinner together tonight, just a quiet day to sit, eat and relax. No traveling across the country with millions of others, stuck in line waiting for some teen-age TSA agent to tell me what I can and can't bring on the plane (I'll save that excitement for Christmas).

As I really got to thinking I realized that there are a ton more that I could think of, but given the fact that they are all relatively shallow I'll leave the list here. And hope all of you have great things to be thankful for and wish you all a wonderful and safe holiday!

Current Music: In My Place - Cold Play

I'm Ok, You're Ok

I have turned into a liar. I don't exactly do it on purpose, but it seems the safe track. See, what happens is people ask how I'm doing, and I say "I'm ok". And the fact of the matter is that I'm not ok, I'm decidedly un-ok. But I really don't want to burden those people with that, they're just trying to be polite. And what do you say to the person who lost her dad?

I've even resorted to telling Scott I'm ok. He knows I'm not, but I know he's tired of asking and hearing the truth, so I lie. My mom asks, and because I know that she's just as broken I lie to her too. Every once and a while I'll tell my sister, but she never really has the time to hear it, and same as my mom she's just as broken.

But if I can't tell anyone, how do I deal with the un-okness of it all? Who do I tell that I hate having to wake up everyday and going into the office when all I really want to do is sit and watch TV or read one of my Dad's books. And if I can't tell any one how un-ok I am how do I get back to being ok?

Current Music: Hope for the Hopeless - A Fine Frenzy

Speaking of Secrets

I was going to wax philosophical about how great Tuesday's BlogSecret was (and it was, don't get me wrong - I loved telling my secret and sending it out there - not to mention reading other people's).

But then I started thinking that this blog is nothing but secret. Hell, I'm sitting right next to my husband, and he has no idea that I'm writing on my blog. He knows I read them, he knows I comment on them, but somehow he's either never considered that I have one or never thought to ask. Now I know Scott's not the brightest, but I also know that I'm not exactly truthful with it when it comes to this blog. Though I wouldn't lie and tell him that I don't have a blog, I certainly would be somewhat evasive if he asked.

So that got me to wondering why I keep this a secret from him. And I don't truly have the answer to that one. I'll have to ponder that.

Current Music: Let Me Out - Ben's Brother

Shhh, it's a Secret

I have a secret for you, and it's really good - and the best part is that it's not mine!

Well before my sister and her husband were married or even dating, he and I went skinny-dipping in a druken stooper one night. We did "hook-up", but that was all. He would "casually" bring it up to me in the following weeks, months and once or twice a year. Once he started dating my sister, it was never discussed again. If she ever found out, I know her marriage and our relationship would be over. It would not matter that it was well before (5 years) they ever got together. He knows about it, I know about it and my best friend knows. We will ALL take it to our graves.

In case you're wondering whose juicy little tidbit that is, the answer is I don't know. Today there are 90 some-odd bloggers taking part in "Blog Secret" a fantastic idea of Nilsa's (feel free to check out the list of participants on her blog). We've all exchanged secrets and are posting them for one another.

So my secret is out there somewhere, and I'm not sure where - and I'm kind of ok with that!

Current Music: Liar - 8mm

H8

A couple of my favorite bloggers (you can read the posts here and here) have tackled this issue recently and then a friend asked me to Join the Impact and help protest against this ridiculous proposition. And I'm happy to join in, since the residents of my former home state surprised and disappointed me greatly, I'm happy to take a moment to say "WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU ALL THINKING?!".

Are these people unclear on the fact that almost every time legislation has been enacted to revoke the rights of people, that said legislation has been repealed at some point in future? Are they unclear on the fact that our country was based on expanding rights for one and all and not limiting them?

I realize that many people think that it's abominable for people of the same sex to get married, perhaps you think it's against God or against Allah or just against Nature - you are all allowed to have those opinions, because we live in the United States of America. But because you live in the good old US of A you are also allowed to marry that really cute British guy or marry that sweet Asian girl, Christians can marry Muslims, Jews can marry Atheists - in short we have the right to marry the person we love no matter the skin color, ethnicity or religion. So why can't that right be extended one logical step farther?

Many of you may say, well I don't have a problem with them being together, I just have a problem calling it "marriage" - it would ok to call them "civil unions" or something similar. To those people I say, go back to your Junior High school history books and social studies, and re-read the part about "Separate But Equal". Or do you remember just how well that worked out for our country?

And if we really need any help understanding this whole thing, all we really need to do is go back and take a peek at the Bill of Rights:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

It seems quite clear to me, now if only I can manage to convince the rest of those people.

(Take a peek here to see where it all started and then head over here to join in!)

Current Music: Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow - Amy Winehouse

Do You Believe?

So, do you believe in angels? I never really thought I did, maybe I still don't - I'm not sure.

Why do I ask? Because I think I met one today.

I was driving along the river today, and I saw what looked like a Navy ship docked in our little "terminal". I couldn't quite see what it was at 45 miles per hour, so I flipped around and pulled into the parking lot. Even at a stand still I couldn't figure out what type of ship it was (at least I know not to call it a boat anyway). So I grabbed my camera, thinking I'd send it to my Dad and ask him what it was, when I realized that I couldn't (it's those little moments that suck). I took a moment, regrouped and then got out of the car to take some pictures anyway. I figured that I'd show Scott, maybe he would know.

Just as I was getting back in the car a big truck pulled up and an older gentleman waved me over. I figured he needed directions or something, I was wrong. He had seen that I was taking pictures and so he started telling me that the ship had arrived this morning, that it was the recently commissioned USS Freedom, that it was here to be fitted with some of it's artillery at our Coast Guard station. Then he proceeded to tell me about the special coating on the hull and all the other "stealth" features. I started to laugh to myself - this man was telling me all the things that my Dad would have known and would have been telling me!

So today I believe in angels, because today I was having a bad day and today my Dad came to tell me that it was ok.

Current Music: I Have a Dream - ABBA (everyone needs a little ABBA now and then!)

The Morning After

Usually the morning after an election is like any other for me - breakfast, work, lunch, work, home, dinner, bed. Never anything to write home about, just another day - no real changes to speak of. Sure there might have been an election the day before, but nothing had really changed.

Until this morning. This morning I woke up with a sense of excitement, a sense of change - even (dare I say it) a sense of hope.

Sure, there has been plenty of talk about hope, talk about change - and oh, how I wanted to believe it. But I just couldn't let myself. What if I bought into it, only to be let down by the American Public? What if I let my expectations get the best of me?

In the days leading up to the election I started to let my excitement get the better of me, thinking that perhaps the voting public wouldn't let me down yet again. I thought maybe, just maybe the people of the United States could see this candidate for who he is - a smart man, an amazing orator, an inspired leader of communities, a young man with a family, a man who's story is so very American. But I still wondered, could they see all that, see past the color of his skin?

So I put that little spark of hope away. But I kept hearing the buzz, seeing the signs and that little spark kept growing - enough so, that when I went into the elementary school gym to vote yesterday I found myself grinning stupidly. I was actually about to vote for someone, not just vote for the lesser of evils (or worse yet just vote against someone else). I practically skipped out of the polling booth I was so pleased!

When the first results started coming my heart sank. Thank you Kentucky, clearly the nation is not ready to be hopeful again, not ready for change. Thank you New Hampshire for your help, but your 3 electoral votes just aren't going to get us there. Then votes from Pennsylvania came in and I found myself saying, maybe "we can". Then the flood gates seemed to open as state after state turned blue, states that hadn't been blue in a very long time, states that you would never have expected to turn blue (not even if they collectively held their breath) were turning blue. And the spark grew and grew, like the Grinch's heart on Christmas morning.

And now here we are on the morning after. We all have a new President, and I have hope. Hope for our country and it's future - something I've not had for a very long time. I have something else as well, I have pride. I'm so proud of my countrymen and women, I'm proud that we were all able to come together and choose hope, I'm proud that it was the best voter turn out in 45 years, I'm proud that we have all been able to share in such a hugely historic moment.

Current Music: Fanfare for the Common Man - Aaron Copeland (feeling a bit classical today - but seriously, go listen to it. It will give you chills to go with your hope.)

Clocks

I managed to set all my clocks back today. Most of the time, I tend to miss a clock or two - then I end up making myself late by looking at the one clock that I managed to miss.

The best news is that I fixed the strange time-space-continuum thing that was happening in the morning. I would wake up in the morning, and between waking up and getting to the bathroom (about 10 feet away) I would lose six minutes. I would wake up at 6:58am and in the bathroom it would be 7:04.

Right, I know that really, it was just a problem of two clocks being off - but every morning it weirded me out. And yet, I didn't fix it. I even put it on my "to-do" list, and I still didn't fix it. Until today, that is.

So by tomorrow morning the rip in the continuum should be mended, I should be a little more rested since I "gained" my hour and I should be able to get to work in a more timely fashion. Well, two out of three isn't too bad right?

Current Music: No music, I've been clearing off the Tivo today - right now, it's the Amazing Race.