Monday, November 24, 2008

I'm Ok, You're Ok

I have turned into a liar. I don't exactly do it on purpose, but it seems the safe track. See, what happens is people ask how I'm doing, and I say "I'm ok". And the fact of the matter is that I'm not ok, I'm decidedly un-ok. But I really don't want to burden those people with that, they're just trying to be polite. And what do you say to the person who lost her dad?

I've even resorted to telling Scott I'm ok. He knows I'm not, but I know he's tired of asking and hearing the truth, so I lie. My mom asks, and because I know that she's just as broken I lie to her too. Every once and a while I'll tell my sister, but she never really has the time to hear it, and same as my mom she's just as broken.

But if I can't tell anyone, how do I deal with the un-okness of it all? Who do I tell that I hate having to wake up everyday and going into the office when all I really want to do is sit and watch TV or read one of my Dad's books. And if I can't tell any one how un-ok I am how do I get back to being ok?

Current Music: Hope for the Hopeless - A Fine Frenzy

8 comments:

Single said...

Mourning just takes a long time, from what I've heard. Be patient with yourself and hopefully you have some other people to talk to about your pain, besides Scott and your family. If not, you can write about it on here. People told me before I should join some sort of support group for mourning but I didn't think that was the right answer for me. It might be for you. Think about it.

Nilsa said...

Have you ever read Marissa's blog (http://mariskris.blogspot.com/)? She lost her father just about a year ago and has blogged about it extensively. If you don't feel comfortable talking to the people you know, maybe you'll find solace in her writings and how she's come to grips with the loss. And maybe you'll find that exchanging emails with her is easier than putting that perceived burden on the ones you know.

for a different kind of girl said...

I remember this feeling. I experienced it for a long time after we lost a baby, and how it seemed to be so very dark because I didn't think pepople wanted to hear how un-ok I was because I had no tangible evidence to which to mourn. I eventually found a Compassionate Friends meeting comprised of others who had lost loved ones and went several times. The first few times I did nothing but sit in the back and cry, but even that, on whatever level, seemed to be helpful. I'd gotten to a point where I felt people didn't want me to cry anymore, so having a safe place to do it was freeing.

Mourning is tough, and we all do it a different way, and however long we need to. I hope you find a way to reach peace that is beneficial to you, in your own time.

Fizzgig said...

Of course, I don't know exactly how you feel. But I lost my dad in 2001. It does get easier, but there are always times when you miss him more than others. It's hard with a parent, because it's a hard thing for friends to relate to.

hang in there! =)

May-B said...

I'm sorry you're not doing "ok". I think it takes a long time to be able to answer that question truthfully and mean it. Give yourself a break though. You've been through a lot and it sucks ass. It took me about 9 months before I could even admit to myself I wasn't ok. Take your time. The only thing I can say is that a breavement counsellor (or any counsellor) is a good idea. But writing works too. Use us if you can.

Hotch Potchery said...

Yeah, it sucks when the people you rely on to help you in your "un okay" times are also "un okay". Kind of throws the whole system out of whack.

I am sorry your dad died and that you are feeling so sad. All I can tell you is that it is okay to not be okay. One day, you will be.

Marissa said...

Wow. You took my own thoughts out of my head and wrote them here. This is just how I am feeling (and my boyfriend is named Scott, coincidentally, and I do the same thing with him, too). I am so glad you visited my blog. Maybe we can find comfort in one another? It IS so hard to find someone to talk to - to tell that you're really NOT Ok. I'm not either. And I spend so much of my time pretending, and smiling and nodding when people ask if I am. People expect you to get over it - especially if a considerable amount of time has passed. But it is a process, and no one's is the same, and there is no set time-frame for how long it should (or shouldn't) take. So you let yourself be un-OK. You have to feel fully what you're feeling (something I'm beginning to learn) in order to get out of that place. Of course it's not healthy to dwell, but it is healthy to go through each stage, no matter how long it takes. I lost my dad a year ago, and though it still feels fresh and hurts so much, time really has helped me a lot. I am hoping it will continue to get a bit easier as the days continue.
Thinking of you, especially during the holidays. I am always here if you want to chat.

kimmyk said...

aw. one day at at a time and your life will be okay.

loss is difficult to deal with...and we all go through it and deal with it in our own way.

you're going to be okay, maybe not today, but someday.

just wake up every morning..that's a start.

 
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