One Down

Just over Donner Summit. So we're almost out of California - that just leaves 8 more states to go.

The Looking-Glass Room

"She was up on the chimney-piece while she said this, though she hardly knew how she had got there. And certainly the glass was beginning to melt away, just like a bright silvery mist...In another moment Alice was through the glass, and had jumped lightly down into the Looking-glass room...Then she began looking about, and noticed that what could be seen from the old room was quite common and uninteresting, but that all the rest was a different as possible."

Through the Looking Glass (And What Alice Found There)
Lewis Carroll

That's been my life since Monday - common, but as different as possible. One minute we're joking and laughing, the next crying inconsolably. The crying usually comes when I realize that he's gone, the laughing when we think of a good time or funny memory.

The hard moments are when I go to ask Dad about something, where does he keep the flags, or did he remember to tivo the new Grey's Anatomy? And then I realize that there's no one to ask.

The service was lovely - you should have seen how many people turned out - people he knew from work, people from his transplant team and support group, tons of friends and family. I can only hope to be that lucky when it's my turn.

We've taken care of all the mundane and horrible things that need to be done, the autopsy, the services, the cremation, the "final resting place". It's sort of like trying to put together a wedding in three days, only you can't concentrate because your brain isn't working right and you're crying all the time.

There is a bit of good news, if it can be considered good news, his transplant team decided to request an autopsy. His passing was not due to his transplant, the heart was as good as it could have been - it was a pulmonary embolism. So perhaps September 22 was the number no matter what. I guess the good news is that I can stop being mad at the transplant team now - and just go on being mad at the universe.

As much as I needed to see my family, hug my Mom, kiss my Nieces, cry with my Sister and Brother-in-Law and sit with my Uncles and Aunts - I now need to go home. I need to get back to my house, where the pain is less real and somehow softer. I need to get away from the bickering (I don't care if we order a vegetable platter for the wake), the decision making (I really don't care if my Dad is in a bronze box or a marble box - what I really want is to not have to put him in a box) and the tears of others. I need my time to grieve and see how truly deep the wound is and how, if it's possible, to heal it.

I'm pondering taking on NaBloPoMo for October, just as a way to keep my mind busy - but I haven't committed to it yet. In other odd/interesting news, my Mom wants us to take his car (both of ours are old and getting a bit out of shape - and she doesn't really want to deal with it), so we may be driving across country in a day or two. That's gonna be one wild ride!

And thank you all (my legion of devoted readers) for your kind thoughts. Friends make anything easier to bear.

Current Music: The Funeral - Band of Horses

The Number is Up

A while ago I wrote about my Dad's days being numbered - today his number came up. My Dad is gone.

I was about to walk out the door for work when my sister called. Now it's never a good thing if my sister is up at 6:30am (on so many levels), so I wasn't expecting anything good - but I wasn't expecting this. How do you prepare yourself for that?

He hadn't been feeling well for a while, he'd been light headed and short of breath and he went to the clinic (the special post-transplant clinic that took care of him) - but both times he went they said they couldn't figure out what the problem was and they sent him home. He was having problems, but we didn't expect this.

I'm trying to remember that these last two years, since his transplant have been borrowed time - just extra, special time. But mostly I'm just in shock and feeling incredibly lost.

We're headed home to California for a week to take care of my Mom. Thankfully my sister has done what she does best- she took charge of everything and most of the basic details are covered. I'll be gone for a bit, but I'll be back.

Current Music: Solitude - Billie Holiday

Blocked Up

Not dead, not stuck without power post-hurricane, not trapped in a box by a serial killer. Just Blogger-block.

I am lacking anything for anything funny, witty, interesting or otherwise "blog worthy". Mostly I've just been a big old Debbie Downer. But my horoscope said:

This would be a perfect week to spend some time alone.

And so far it's been right. It has poured rain, there's been sunny days, the cats have been crazy, the dog is filthy, the husband is his usual PITA (pain in the ass) self and work is as spectacular as it always is. That's been my week.

My current bright and shiny moment is the purchase of two new shades of OPI polish. The new fall collection is absolutely awesome, and now "Yes I Can-Can" and "You Don't Know Jacques" are mine (and I'm pondering buying another one or two).

Sort of sad when the high point of your week is nail polish, but you take it where you can get it.

I Remember...

I remember waking up to the news on the radio and wondering what was going on.

I remember waking Scott up, screaming and crying over the things I was seeing on the television screen.

I remember watching in horror as the towers collapsed under their own weight.

I remember thinking that the whole country seemed to be under attack.

I remember going to work, but not wanting to leave the car for fear I would miss something on the news.

I remember wondering if my Uncle was in D.C. for work, and feeling selfishly thankful that he no longer had an office in the Pentagon.

I remember hearing that another plane was missing and later hearing that it had crashed en route to Washington.

I remember being glued to the television, absorbing the images of destruction and heroism.

I remember seeing video of people streaming from Manhattan.

I remember sitting with my friends in the evening worried about loved ones and feeling guilty for being safe on the west coast.

I remember lighting candles at night for all the lost souls and those that were trying so hard to recover them.

I remember how strange it was to not hear or see planes in the sky for days.

I remember feeling so injured by the attack on my country even though it didn't actually touch my life as closely as it did others.

If you didn't read this last year, it's a good story.

Current Music: Stronger - Kanye West

I Wonder

I wonder about a lot of things - some are big, some are small. For lack of anything better to post, here are some things that I've been wondering about.

• I wonder how I manage to get so many little injuries on my body on a day to day basis.
• I wonder how I'm going to make it through to November with all the politics, it's already killing me and there is still sooooo long to go.
• I wonder how I managed to missed so much of summer. It's September and the only tan I have is out of a bottle.
• I wonder how much longer I can keep my job, not because I'm going to get fired but because my boss drives me nuts and makes me want to quit on a day to day basis.
• I wonder how I can continue find a way to get a housekeeper once a week, since I have managed to been a really crap-tastic house keeper (and we all know what a great housekeeper Scott is).
• I wonder how much longer I can "keep up with the Jonses", it's so hard to have rich friends (not that they are difficult about it, it's all me).
• I wonder why so many birth control commercials have swimming pools in them - what is that about?
• I wonder if it's ever too early to start becoming the crazy cat lady.
• I wonder if the right pair of shoes really can make the day better - sometimes I think it's absolutely possible.
• I wonder how much Law & Order I can watch before my brain turns to mush.
• I wonder how much longer I can stay in this state and keep my sanity.
• I wonder how I can get a Wii Fit.
• I wonder why I Tivo'd Hole in the wall - I am so dumb.
• Oh yeah, and I wonder why I got my hair cut - I don't mind the 4 to 5 inches she took off the back, but I'm unsure as to why I let her put the evil bangs back. Seriously, I am dumb.

Of course there's more, but really how much are you really wondering about what I'm wondering about?