Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Still Broken

    "There should be a statute of limitations on grief. A rule book that says it is all right to wake up crying, but only for a month. That after forty-two days you will no longer turn with your heart racing, certain you have heard her call out your name. That there will be no fine imposed if you feel the need to clean out her desk; take down her artwork from the refrigerator; turn over a school portrait as you pass - if only because it cuts you fresh to see it. That it is okay to measure the time she has been gone, the way we once measured her birthdays."

    My Sister's Keeper
    Jodi Picoult
Today would have been the 2nd anniversary for my Dad's new heart. That sort of sucks.

I'm still here, but still broken. I haven't had any good days, most days are okay at best and some days are just pain bad. Strangely enough, work days tend to be better - even as much as I'm disliking my job these days. It seems that weekends are just to open and empty - easy for my brain to get lost in the pain.

Obviously I am not doing NaBloPoMo - it did seem like a good idea at the time, but I just couldn't do it to you guys. You have no idea how many posts I've tried to write, but they were all such serious downers (they made me more depressed and that ain't easy) I couldn't bear to post them. Trust me, you'll thank me for it one day.

Yesterday was Scott's birthday and I almost forgot it completely! I managed to pull it off by making his favorite cake and one of his favorite dinners - and got him a couple of movies. I'm not sure how long I get to use the "Dead Dad" excuse, but it worked for now.

On the upside of things - the grief diet is good, though eating as much fast food as we've been eating can't be good in the long run. And I'm getting into the office earlier, since I can't sleep much.

I'm trying to get back into the swing of things - I'll get back to reading and commenting on blogs (I miss you all!) and twitter as well. As everyone keeps telling me, it's all just a matter of time.

Sorry for the big bunch of randomness, but it seems to be par for the course lately.

Current Music: I'm watching the debate, which is as depressing as this post.


for a different kind of girl said...

Been wondering about you. I hope in the midst of things, you're taking care of yourself.

Bronwyn said...

I am sorry it is so hard. I wish I had some words to ease it, but I don't. It gets less sharp, less fresh and gaping as time goes on, but even now (almost 5 yrs later) the ache can be located with little effort. I've been thinking of you, knowing first hand how much this sucks.

Lori said...

I'm not really good at knowing what to say in these situations, but just know that I'm sorry for what your dealing with and I hope your feelings of sadness get fewer and farther apart, as they say it does with time.

kimmyk said...

aww hugs girlie.

and happy birthday to your hubs!

what kind of cake?

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